The X-Files answer to the Eternal Question:

 Why did the chicken cross the road?

 I did not write any of these jokes--just got them off of the internet.

Fox Mulder: No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully: There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner: <teeth clenched> You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM: <blows puff of smoke> There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek: Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers: It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly: It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike: <snapping a photo> I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder: It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder: I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully: I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully: The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.: One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.: Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg: Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell: To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man: It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X: The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias: I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken.... Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss. How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith: I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road, but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter: Tell me where the chicken is!

Section Chief Blevins: We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about crossing the road.

Mrs Budahas: That <gasp, shudder> is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe (stoner kids): I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh - *landmines* and junk!

Tom Colton: At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the chicken crossed the road--any sane theory. I'm sorry, Dana, but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms: Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs: I've been waiting... sixty years... for the chicken to cross that road.

Darlene Morris: Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away from my chicken.

Ellen (Scully's friend): Well - first it had to get a life. And... a rooster.

Rob (Scully's date): I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer points of the state planning and taxation?

Brad Wilczek [Ghost in the Machine]: Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

Commander Henderson [Fallen Angel]: Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center: The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in eastern Wisconsin.

Eves: It just knew.

Phoebe Greene: Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively: It was dying for a cigarette.

Luther Lee Boggs: I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain, and oh god! The Road! He's going to cross the road!!

Brother Andrew: The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy pleasures we can't.

Michael [Genderbender]: The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

Jack Willis: To be run down so that another chicken could take over his body.

John Barnett: <breath> Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is... <breath>

Rev. Cal Hartley: The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

Indian guy [Shapes]: He should have been called... Feathered Chicken... or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

Doug Spinney: The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging... within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

Michelle Bishop: *I* made the chicken cross the road.

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man): Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

Roland: Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

Ed Funsch: It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

Duane Barry: I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

Kristin Kilar: The chicken won't cross the road. It's not who he is. It doesn't make him happy.

BJ Morrow: It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

Donnie Pfaster: Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks: It shot across the road to find out what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken): How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

The Gregors: That chicken was the last remaining. Unless you protect it, it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk [Colony]: You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for crossing the road?

Sophie the Gorilla: Chicken go crossing road.

Mr. Nutt: Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that it will cross the road? In an attempt to continue an age-old joke that never had any humor in the first place, you'll only managed to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its mediocrity. When in fact - do you really know if the chicken had better things to do than simply cross the road? That perhaps it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life? But no, you just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed* that the chicken would cross the road, thus, increasing an already clichéd stereotype.

The Conundrum: <burp>

Dr. Blockhead: It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

Charlie/Michael Holvey [The Calusari]: The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

Chaco: A chicken? That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

CC's character [Anasazi]: The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally assigned to remain at the the *side* of the road?

Albert Hosteen: There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz: The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road... It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal: We got the wrong chicken!

D.P.O. Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

The Stupendous Yappi: The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not. <raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road! cannot cross the is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman: Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do any of us do anything? Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface... that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma: Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

Napleon "Neech" Manley: To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

Virgil Incanto: Mmm... Schmaltz.

Lucy Householder: I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope... then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

Japanese guy [Nisei]: To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

Dr. Bambi: To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road... what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov [WOTC]: I don't know much about... *chickens*. What is it?

Stoner Guy [WOTC]: Woah, man. The chicken's crawling up inside your arm. That's wrong, dude.

Det. White: To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri: The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!!

Margi: Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka: You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road? Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

Robert Modell: The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on, cross the road...

Holly [Pusher]: I don't know why the chicken did it! I'm so, so sorry, sir... I'm so sorry...

Jose Chung: I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different answer! Truth is as subjective as reality! By the way, do you know he he perfers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black: No object is more mistaken for a chicken than the planet Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners: Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed theroad? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote: No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer: The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner: It wasn't a chicken. It was a MIB sent in by the *proper authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it off. Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson: This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

Mrs. Peacock: I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor: The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come and my home would never be the same...

Peacock Brothers: To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

Gerry Schnauz: Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers. Er hat unruhe....

Melissa Redell: Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood in a field. This is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney: I don't know why! Why don't you just leave the chicken alone! Leave it alone! It's already been through too much...

John Lee Roche: I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me. I want a deal. Trust a child molester?

Member of Congress [Terma]: Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken, and why is it not here?

Soledad Buente: Because his brother betrayed him.

Betty tattoo: Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse: Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

Leonard Betts: He's sorry. But the road had something he needed.

Dr. Scanlon: The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford: I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all, they want the same thing you want...

Sharon Graffia: The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch: <nervous> I did it. I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig: So, I’ve devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak, crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking members of the military/poultry community. Not that they’d ever admit it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications. No, that would be un-American. And they won’t admit it until someone confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me. And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another day you’re going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster Farms, what’s a few CIA spooks to worry about.

Eddie Van Blundht: Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross the road. Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime? <Hmmm...wonder if I can morph my skin to look like feathers...>

Chuck Forsch: Oooh! That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it! I made the chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

Michael Kritschgau: The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you would believe the lie that chickens existed.

Chris Carter: You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon: Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong: Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it was back on this road, though, it didn't seem the same, so eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed to never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan: Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban: Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan: Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar, something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer: Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere, and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile: Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile: Who cares? It's just a stupid chicken! It's fictional! Why the heck are you worrying about a chicken, anyway? I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper: The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and were fated to cross.

NoRoMo: I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George: To get a bottle of Labatt's. 

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