What Do You Value?

Susan is a vice president in her company. She has worked hard and has been rewarded well during her career. She is earning twice as much as her father did when he was her age. She is living the life she had imagined when she was in college, although it has actually turned out even better than she expected.

But Susan feels empty most of the time. She gets little pleasure from her new Lexus and feels nothing when she looks at her business card. Why isn’t Susan happy?

Sam moved to this area two years ago from another state. He had been offered a top job in his field and just couldn’t turn it down. The company he worked for before wasn’t doing well and his industry had merger fever. He thought he’d better jump on this opportunity now and ride the wave of success. The job he has today is something he used to dream about, but he never thought he’d actually be able to achieve it.

What Sam didn’t expect was the feeling of sadness that haunts him. He walks into the glass-and chrome office building each morning and feels dead inside. All he can think of is the house where he used to live, his old friends, and what it used to be like sitting at his old desk.

Liza lives in a five-bedroom house on an acre of land. She gave up her career 15 years ago to stay home with her two children. She loves being able to be there when they come home from school. Liza is very proud of her husband’s success and appreciates not having to go to work while the kids are young.

But Liza isn’t happy, and she’s not sure why. She has everything she ever wanted and is living her dream. Why does she feel so bored?

Susan, Sam, and Liza are feeling uncomfortable and unhappy because their lives are not in synch with their values. They are doing things that they thought they should enjoy, but they feel little pleasure because their circumstances do not match what they really value.

SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFE MAY BE OUT OF SYNCH WITH YOUR VALUES

You don’t need a degree in psychology to know when you’re off track, but sometimes it creeps up on you. It can seem like you wake up one day and realize that things are not right. These are a few of the signs:

• You don’t want to get out of bed.
• You have a hard time motivating yourself to do routine tasks.
• You have doubts about yourself.
• You feel mildly depressed for days at a time.
• You sometimes overeat and/or use alcohol and drugs to feel better or escape.
• It can seem like you wake up one day and realize that things are not right.
• You often feel chronically tired, de-energized, and listless.
• You worry about how you will keep things together.
• You feel bored or restless.
• You wish you were somewhere else.
• You often have headaches, stomach upset, and other body aches and pains.
• You sleep too little or too much.
• You have frequent bad dreams or nightmares.
• You oversleep.
• You complain and nag.

Feeling dissatisfied with your life is not a pleasant experience, but it can lead you in a positive direction. These feelings may be important because they are telling you that your actions are out of synch with your values, goals, or talents.

HOW TO REDISCOVER WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU

Imagine that your life is handed back to you and you are able to do anything you want. What is important to you? What values will direct you?

Consider each word on the following list individually. It is not necessary to force-rank them or compare them against each other. Assign a rating to the left of each word:

1 = Critically important to me

2 = Important to me

3 = I can live without it

Now make a list that summarizes your most important values. If you think of something that isn’t listed, feel free to add it.

Here are some other ways to identify what you value:

• Imagine that today is the last day of your life, and you are writing your own obituary. Make a list of all the things you are most proud of and why each accomplishment gives you satisfaction.
• Fast-forward to one year from today. Now imagine that this day in the future is your last. Make a list of all the things you would accomplish and experience if you knew that your time was limited to the one year that begins with today.
• Imagine that you are the winner of the lottery today and you have won $25 million. What would you do, now that money is not a limiting factor in your life and you can do anything you want?
• Based on your answers to these questions, what do you value most?

The next part of this process (and this is a very streamlined version of what is possible) is to compare how you are currently spending your time with your list of most important values. How well do they match each other? What clues can you find that will help you find more satisfaction in your life?

• Things that don’t match:
• What I can do about it:

"Make a list of all the things you are most proud of and why each accomplishment gives you satisfaction."

WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?

Belf, Teri-E, and Ward, Charlotte. Simply Live It UP: Brief Solutions. Bethesda, MD: Purposeful Press, 1995.

Edwards, Paul and Edwards, Sarah. Finding Your Perfect Work: The New Career Guide to Making a Living, Creating a Life. New York: Jeremy Tarcher, 1996.

Louden, Jennifer. The Woman’s Retreat Book: A Guide to Restoring, Rediscovering, and Reawakening Your True Self. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1997.

Sher, Barbara, with Smith, Barbara. I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. New York: Delacorte Press, 1994.

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