Taking the Mystery Out of Feelings & Emotions

The ability to recognize emotions is an important skill that helps you communicate effectively and get along with people. When you can effectively identify feelings in yourself and others, you are better able to do the following:

• Identify other people’s emotions.
• Identify and manage your own feelings.
• Manage your own behavior.
• Understand what motivates you.
• Understand what blocks you from feeling motivated or energetic.
• Show empathy for others.

You were born with certain personality traits that influence your ability to identify and manage emotions. Your family and home environment further shape these abilities. By the time you reached adulthood, your emotional preferences and habitual responses to others have formed a pattern of typical behavior.

These patterns are not set in stone, however—there are things you can do to improve your ability to become more emotionally intelligent. You can seek out relationships with other emotionally intelligent people. You can also take communication skills classes and seek out experiences that will help you stretch your ability to identify and manage emotions. Another possibility is to work with a competent mental health professional. It is possible for anyone to improve his or her emotional skills at any point in life. While you were born with certain personality traits that became part of your emotional makeup, you can learn new skills and maximize the traits that are part of your personality.

"While you were born with certain personality traits that became part of your emotional makeup, you can learn new skills and maximize the traits that are part of your personality."

WHAT ARE FEELINGS?

Psychologist and behavior researchers disagree on what may be considered the basic emotions from which all others derive. The list of basic emotions might include the following:

• Anger, rage
• Anxiety, fear, terror
• Aversion, disgust
• Contempt, hatred
• Dejection, despair 
• Desire
• Grief, sadness, sorrow
• Guilt, shame
• Hope
• Joy, happiness  
• Interest, wonder 
• Love

An emotion is an experience that involves feelings and sensations. Emotions are different from thoughts and beliefs, and there is a simple way to tell the difference. If you say, "I feel that ____________," and you could also say, "I think that ___________," with the same meaning, the word is a thought, not a feeling. For example:

"An emotion is an experience that involves feelings and sensations."

You have identified a thought, not a feeling. However, 

The sentences in the right-hand column don’t make any sense, do they? They only make sense when they begin with "I feel"—and that means that you have identified a feeling or emotion.

HOW CAN I EXPRESS MY FEELINGS CONSTRUCTIVELY?

Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

Use I-messages instead of you-messages.
You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming.

     For example:

     You-message: "You left the dishes in the sink again."

     I-message: "When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of."

Communicate the entire message.
According to Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg in their excellent book Couple Skills (see reading list at the end of this handout), complete messages include these four components:

     Observations: neutral statements of fact

     Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

     Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

     Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: "The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you."

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: "I hope we can go to the movies this weekend." There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

Don’t use your feelings as weapons.
Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control.

     For example:

     Objective: "I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time."

     Aggressive: (yelling) "You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that?"

Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed.
If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret—things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

• Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.
• Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.
• Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself such as:

"I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her."

"Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship."

"We can work this out. We’re partners."

WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000.

Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last. New York: Fireside Books, 1994.

McKay, Matthew, Fanning, Patrick, and Paleg, Kim. Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1994.

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