How To Move On After a Big Disappointment
No one gets through life without at least a few major disappointments. Not getting a job you applied for, being rejected by the college you had set your heart on, being fired, and being rejected by your spouse or lover are all experiences that can be devastating. Failing to get what you had hoped for or losing something or someone you cherished makes you feel vulnerable. These experiences are reminders that everything we have can be lost, and suddenly life is different.
Whether you have lost a position in an organization (company or school), a person, a physical place, or a sense of who you are, it has probably left you feeling fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. In the American culture, you have learned to be uncomfortable with uncertainty, so you are bound to be anxious when your life is disrupted.
On the positive side, experiences like this provide you with an opportunity to learn about your strengths and to explore what you really want out of life. This time of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.
WHAT ARE THE STAGES OF RECOVERY?
- You will need a certain amount of time to recover from the shock of a major disappointment.
- Recovery occurs in stages, and it cannot be rushed. You can expect to have any or all of the following reactions:
- Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).
- Feel a loss of self-esteem.
- Begin to accept the change.
- Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.
- Begin to feel hopeful about the future.
- Feel increased self-esteem.
- Develop an optimistic view of the future.
- The process of moving ahead does not always move along in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the recovery process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.
COPING SKILLS
- Rebounding from disappointment is often difficult, but the experience can have a positive side. Disappointments provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction our lives are taking. It is a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.
- Accept that disappointment is a normal part of life. People who adopt this attitude seem to have the easiest time rebounding from a letdown. If you try to avoid being disappointed, you will have a more difficult time and you will be less productive.
- Identify your values and life goals. If you know who you are and what you want from life, you may see the experience as just another life challenge. You will be more willing to take responsibility for your actions and not blame others for your feelings of letdown when things don’t work out your way.
- Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it’s normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.
- Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other disappointments. Recall the stages you went through and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such experiences can provide a productive time to do some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the experience: to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
- Don’t be in a rush. When you lose something important, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of seeing and doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best for you.
- Expect to feel uncomfortable. The experience of a major disappointment is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.
- Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.
- Take good care of yourself. Disappointments are very stressful, especially when they are completely unexpected. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.
- Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you and encourage you to express your true feelings. This may be an appropriate time to seek the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide you through the recovery process in a safe and supportive environment.
- Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can’t bear to say good-bye?
- Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.
- Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass and clarity will return.
- Take one step at a time. You may feel powerless. To regain a sense of control, find one small thing you can have power over right now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write down the steps and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.
WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?
Seligman, Martin. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. New York: Pocket Books, 1998.