How People Change
HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE DIFFERENT?
If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way you can start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional wellbeing that might look like any combination of the following:
- Having a sense of freedom
- Having self-esteem
- Having self-confidence
- Being happy to get up in the morning
- Having goals and are working toward them
- Having a sense of purpose in life
- Having satisfying relationships
WHAT IS UNHAPPINESS?
If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:
- Sadness, lethargy, or depression
- Fear
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Loneliness
- Anxiety
- Problems with relationships
- Not getting what you want in life; frustration in working toward goals
- Not caring enough to have goals
HOW WILL YOU INITIATE CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?
When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas:
- Explore your feelings. Write in a journal, talk to a trusted friend, or work with a professional counselor.
- Envision your future. Make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, or research the possibilities.
- Explore wishes and dreams. Talk to a trusted friend or work with a professional counselor.
- Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say "yes" to things you may have avoided in the past.
- Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, or reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.
- Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, or read different kinds of books and magazines.
- Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, set them and follow through with them, evaluate your progress regularly, and reward yourself for achievement.
- Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.
- Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad but simply lessons.
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT RESISTANCE TO CHANGE?
Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life you feel resistant? Many people say that not only do they feel resistant but that they actually do things to keep their lives familiar, such as starting a diet and then eating a candy bar on the first day of their diet or quitting smoking and then sneaking a puff.
Here are six effective strategies you can use to make yourself less resistant:
- Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating "stuff" might be stopping you from committing to doing important things. Keep a lot of half-started projects around makes it difficult for you to zero in on the really important things.
- Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming, so manage your resistance by choosing one small part of your goal and attacking it today. Let’s say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. Accomplishing that goal can certainly seem impossible, but it will seem more doable if you say to yourself, "I’m going to lose 5 pounds by X date."
- Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. To dispute those beliefs, the authors suggest asking yourself, "Is there really any evidence today that this belief is true?" They suggest making a list of the evidence.
- Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.
- Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.
- Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself, using today’s date two years into the future. Make the press release announce the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn’t matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you; the important thing is that it be exciting to imagine.
WHEN SHOULD YOU CONSIDER SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP?
Sometimes, it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with you as you go through the change process. Here are some ways to know when seeking such help would be appropriate:
- You’ve tried several things but still have the problem.
- You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.
- You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.
- You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that significantly interfere with your daily functioning and the quality of your life (e.g., you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, or your health is suffering).
WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?
Sher, Barbara. Live the Life You Love: In Ten Easy Step-by Step Lessons. New York: Dell Trade Paperback, 1997.
Sher, Barbara. It’s Only Too Late if You Don’t Start Now: How to Create Your Second Life at Any Age. New York: Delacorte Press, 1999.
Sher, Barbara, and Gottlieb, Annie. Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want. New York: Ballantine, 1996.
Sher, Barbara, and Smith, Barbara. I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It. New York: Dell Trade Paperback, 1995.
Young, Jeffrey, and Klosko, Janet. Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior . . . and Feel Great Again. New York: Plume, 1994.