Empathy
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. It is the capacity to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.
Empathy is more than just listening; it is also responding. For example, your teenage daughter comes home from school, rushes up to you, and gives you a big hug.
Empathic response. You say, "You seem so excited and happy!"
Other response. You ask, "What’s happening?"
The second response is fine, but it is not an example of empathy. The first response shows that you have paid attention to your daughter’s behavior and included it in your response. She knows that you are paying close attention to her.
Let’s look at another example: Your supervisor comes into your cubicle and sits down in the chair next to your desk. She doesn’t look at you but stares down at the paper she is holding.
Empathic response. You say, "You look very upset."
Other response. You say, "Uh-oh, I must be in trouble."
As before, the second response is fine, but it is not an example of empathy. The first response shows that you have observed your supervisor’s behavior. The focus is on her feelings. The response is not about you; it is about her. An empathic response concentrates on describing the other person’s feelings. It doesn’t matter whether your response is correct or incorrect; the important thing is that you are paying attention and reflecting your observations back to the other person.
The keys to empathy are as follows:
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
- Pay attention to what the person is feeling. Listen to the person’s words and tone of voice, and pay attention to his/her body language.
- Pay attention to your own feelings as you observe the other person.
- Put these feelings into words, keeping the focus on the other person.
- Keep it simple, and use your own words.
- Avoid repeating exactly what the other person has said. Doing so is annoying, not empathic.
- Give the person a chance to respond to your comments. Don’t worry about being exactly right; the important thing is to listen closely and show that you want to understand.
WHY SHOULD I LEARN TO BE MORE EMPATHIC?
Being aware of our emotions and how they affect our actions is a key component to a successful relationship. It is also a fundamental ability in today’s people-intense workplaces. People who are cut off from their emotions are unable to connect with people. It’s as if they become emotionally tone-deaf. Because how these people affect others is not well known, nobody wants to be around them. You have probably met a few people who fit this description.
Becoming an empathic listener has many benefits. Here are the most important ones:
- Keeping the focus on the other person’s feelings encourages him/her to open up and talk to you. When we feel strong emotions (good or bad), it feels good to have another person listen to us and encourage us to talk about it.
- When you respond empathically, you show the other person that you are paying attention and that you care. This always feels good and helps build trust.
- When a person is upset, being listened to and understood has a calming effect.
- As you practice understanding other people, you will learn that almost everyone’s point of view can be understood if you take the time to pay attention.
- Your empathic response can help the other person better understand his/her own situation. Sometimes when people are really listening to us they tell us things that we couldn’t see for ourselves.
HOW CAN I LEARN TO BE MORE EMPATHIC?
Almost any conversation offers an opportunity to be empathic. Pay attention to the emotional content of any interaction; you will probably see a chance to respond empathically. Here are a few examples:
Example 1
You are working in the backroom of the store where you work as an assistant manager. A sales associate rushes in from the selling floor, grabs her jacket, and goes back out. She doesn’t look at you, but she seems very upset. What do you say or do when she returns to the store 30 minutes later?
You could respond in many different ways. Which of the following is the most empathic response? (The answers are given at the end of this handout.)
a. "You seemed pretty upset a while ago. Are you okay?"
b. "Do you want to talk about it?"
c. "Let me know if you need to talk."
Example 2
You work in a nursery school, and today has been a very busy day. Now it is 5:00 and most of the children have been picked up. You look over at Patti, a reliable assistant teacher, who said when she came in this morning that she was getting a cold. She looks awful now. It is almost time for her to leave.
Which is the most empathic response?
a. "How are you feeling?"
b. "You look like you could use some rest."
c. "Take good care of yourself tonight, okay?"
Example 3
Yesterday, your daughter Sara spent several hours at the computer writing an essay. She was so proud of herself because it was the first time she’d done a whole assignment like that without your help. Today, she came home from school looking very disappointed. She said she had answered the wrong questions and had to do the assignment over.
Which is the most empathic response?
a. "What happened?"
b. "It’s upsetting when your work is for nothing, isn’t it?"
c. "Want to talk about it?"
Keep in mind that your response doesn’t have to be perfect. If you guess wrong about the other person’s feelings, he/she will tell you. The important thing is to listen closely and reflect back what you observe, keeping the focus on the person’s emotions.
WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?
Ciaramicoli, Arthur, and Ketcham, Katherine. The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating Intimacy, Self-Understanding and Lasting Love. New York: Plume, 2001.
Fanning, Patrick, McKay, Matthew, and Davis, Martha. Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1995.
Answers to practice examples: 1—a, 2—b, 3—b.