Coping with Illness of Someone You Care For
When someone you care about is seriously or chronically ill, it can be an exhausting and depressing experience. It doesn’t matter whether your loved one’s illness is physical or mental—if you are involved in caring for or supporting someone close to you, you will feel the impact. You may be taking care of the person directly or helping by taking the person to doctor’s appointments. You may be helping to pay for medical or other support services, or perhaps your role is to sit with the person each evening and listen while he or she talks about the illness. Regardless of your specific role, if you are close to a person who is seriously ill, you must also be sure to take care of yourself.
Here are some ways to cope:
Look for ways to lessen the stress.
It is important to look for ways to reduce stress and renew your energy level. Think of simple activities that make you feel good and do them often. (Look for tips in the "Relaxation Techniques" and "Work Stress" handouts.)
Educate yourself.
Learn about the illness and how it is treated. Read the latest books, do research on the Internet, and talk to the doctor and nurses. Find out what kind of care the person needs and take steps to make sure he or she is receiving it. With more information, you are better able to help the person cope and perhaps recover.
Don’t expect so much of yourself.
Devoting more time and energy to the person’s illness means less time for your own needs. Give yourself permission to accomplish less and be less efficient and productive.
Expect less of others.
If people around you (your family members, for example) are also affected by the illness, the same advice goes for them. Help them go easy on themselves, and encourage everyone to be tolerant of each other during this time.
Remind yourself that this situation won’t last forever.
You will not always have this stress in your life, and you will recover from it. Life will return to normal eventually.
"It doesn’t matter whether your loved one’s illness is physical or mental—if you are involved in caring for or supporting someone close to you, you will feel the impact."
Learn from others who have experienced similar challenges.
Read about them or join a support group. Find out what got them through and apply it to your situation.
Express your feelings to others.
When someone you care about is sick, it’s normal to have a range of feelings that may include guilt (because he or she is ill and you are healthy) and anger (because the illness is creating a lot of extra work for you). Even though you may be reluctant to admit having such negative feelings, it is important not to hold your feelings in. Find someone you can talk to, and express what you are feeling. You may be able to talk to others in your family, friends, a coworker, or a therapist. Write your feelings and thoughts in a journal. Join a support group, either at a local hospital or at a mental health center, or look for one online.
Stay connected to the person who is ill.
The stress in situations like yours often causes damage to relationships between the person who is ill and his or her family and friends. If you sense this is happening in your situation, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with your loved one. It may be difficult to get him or her to open up, and it may be tough for you to be candid. But opening the communication channels is important to clear the air and get rid of the stress.
Be a good listener.
Ask the person who is ill what he or she is feeling and thinking. Hold your own comments and feelings and listen without judging. It is important to show that you really want to hear what is on the person’s mind and won’t punish him or her for being honest.
Learn to manage conflict among family members and others.
Keep anger from spiraling out of control by trying some of these techniques:
- Call a time-out. This is a very effective technique for breaking the sequence of behavior that leads to a blowup. It works best if it is discussed ahead of time and both people agree to use it. Either person in an interaction can initiate a timeout.
- One person makes the time-out gesture, like a referee in a football game.
- The other person is obligated to return the gesture and stop talking.
Check it out.
If anger is a response to personal pain, it makes sense to ask the other person, "What’s bothering you?"
Make positive statements.
It may be helpful to memorize a few positive statements to say to yourself when your anger is being triggered. These statements can be a reminder that you can choose your behavior instead of reacting in a knee-jerk manner. For example:
- I can take care of my own needs.
- His needs are just as important as mine.
- I am able to make good choices.
- Be prepared with a memorized response. Here are a few statements and questions which will help de-escalate anger:
- What’s bothering me is . . .
- If this continues like this, I’ll have to do X to take care of myself.
- What do you need now?
- So what you want is . . .
Learn problem-solving techniques.
When conflict arises because people disagree on how the problem should be solved, it can help to have a problem solving process in place. In his classic book, Leader Effectiveness Training, Dr. Thomas Gordon outlines a process that can be applied to any problematic situation. The following steps are adapted from the process described by Gordon, and they are fully described in his book.
- Describe the problem.
- Brainstorm a list of solutions.
- Discuss the pros and cons of each solution.
- Eliminate solutions that are not workable.
- Choose the best solution.
- Agree on a plan to implement the solution. Write it down.
- Set a date to follow up and review progress.
- Carry out the solution.
- Review the results on the specified follow-up date. Decide whether the problem is solved.
- If necessary, start over. If the solution has not been successful, return to step one and begin a new problem-solving process.
WHERE CAN I GO FOR MORE INFORMATION?
Gordon, Thomas. Leader Effectiveness Training. New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1986.
Miller, Jim. One You Love Is Dying: 12 Thoughts to Guide You. Fort Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing, 1997.