When it comes to expressing emotions, many people have a difficult time. Some go overboard, slipping into blame and anger. Others keep their feelings to themselves, so you never know where you stand. It is also not unusual for people to respond to emotions by denying them.

Let’s consider an example. You come home from a long day at the office to discover that your daughter has two friends over. The house is a mess—there are dishes in the sink and crumbs sprinkled across the sofa. The smell of cigarette smoke hangs in the air. You feel very angry. There are several different ways to express your feelings of frustration:

You yell, "How many times have I told you that you have to clean up after yourself! And what idiot has been smoking in this house!"

You swallow your anger and say nothing. You clean up the mess yourself and refuse to speak to your daughter until the next day.

You say to your daughter, "When I come home after a long day at work, I feel very angry to find the sink full of dirty dishes and the air smelling like cigarette smoke."

Most people probably choose the first option—blaming and name-calling. This behavior is the easiest one to slip into because it allows you to release your emotions quickly and makes you feel powerful for a moment. However, it also makes the other person feel defensive and hurt.

The problem with suppressing your feelings is that you don’t resolve them. They sit inside of you, and you find yourself feeling angrier at the other person and everyone around him/her. Until you express your feelings and get a satisfactory response from the other person, you will have a difficult time being around him/her.

Besides blaming and denying, some other common ways of expressing feelings (especially negative ones) include

All of these kinds of statements are destructive. They result in negative feelings and more anger, and they are designed to exert power over the other person. Notice that most of them include the word "you," which makes them seem more threatening and argumentative. A much more effective and productive way of expressing feelings is to use the I-statement.

When you want to express a problem, use I-statements instead of a you-statements. Using them takes some practice, but they can make a big difference in how successfully you communicate your feelings to others. The formula for the I-statement is:

Here are some examples:

"I feel angry when I come home and there are dirty dishes in the sink"

"I feel upset when I know that kids have been smoking in the house"

"I get so excited when I see how much you enjoy working on your project"

You can also change the wording around like this:

"When I have to stand out on the curb for an extra hour, I feel really frustrated"

"When there are so many mistakes in the checkbook, I get upset and scared"

"Having so many kids over when I’m not home makes me worry that things are going to get out of control"

The most important feature of I-statements is that they are neutral. There is no effort to threaten, argue, or blame in these statements. The speaker simply makes statements and takes full responsibility for his/her feelings. They are an excellent way to express feelings in a non-intimidating, non-controlling way.

Here are some examples of how you-statements can be changed to more productive and neutral I-statements. Notice how the revised statements are less blameful and hostile than the original statements.

Expressing feelings responsibly with I-statements takes a bit of practice, but by doing so you keep resentments from building and help prevent conflicts.

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000.

Assertive Communication

Building People Skills

Developing Your Personal Negotiation Skills

Empathy

Expressing Feelings Responsibly

How to Be a Team Player

How to Give Feedback

Listening Skills

Managing Angry Feelings

Principles of Positive Reinforcement

Resolving Family Conflicts

Taking the Mystery out of Feelings and Emotions